Script ‘Em, Danno (and Head Those Antlers)

Dispatches, February 1999


Ledger ‘Em, Danno (and Judgment Those Antlers)
In Banff, an strange APB: surmise finis seen on the Eighteenth viridity

By Jake Brooks

"We feed the sess, and we let them eat it," says Don Howe, chair of Banff Springs Club. "They’ve got a somewhat deal." He is referring to the slow herds of elk that sustain been treating this Alberta township as apredator-free spa for more 25 geezerhood. Lately, nonetheless, the townspeople’s 500 pampered herbivores sustain been dodging benignant pastimes such as munching on masses’s lawns in favour of behaviour more typically associated with biker gangs. During the by twelvemonth, Banff’s elk deliver been cited for 70 "belligerent incidents" in which they bruised, bullied, or terrorized theirhuman neighbors. "It’s barely a issue of sentence earlier they pop person," says Laird Elliott, whose son Luke, 3, was trampled by a cow in his backyard (he sustained no grave injuries).

Often of the activity has centered about the Banff Springs Hotel golf class, whose souse green let hosted a numeral of confrontations such as the one in which retired businessman Rob Crosby establish himself in a repulsion with a samson on the Eighteenth fairway. ("He threatened me with his antlers, so I threatened him with my cinque woo," recalls Crosby, 77, who backed out,continued the gob, and aroused with a bogie.)

This overwinter, regime bear distinct to fight. Their brainwave? Culmination the golf form to man and seeding it with roadkill in the hopes of luring a gang of wolves from encompassing Banff Internal Green — a herd-culling program that has roughly residents inquisitive who’s genuinely at the top of the nutrient string. "This," says Microphone McIvor, chairman of a localconservation constitution, "is farcical."

H O R N E D   A N D   D A N G E R O U S

Cheating Doings
Spell jogging finis May, physiotherapist Judy Loretan was supercharged by an ireful cow that pursued her until she brutal — fracturing her berm and knock herself unconscious. Less big individuals mightiness regard this an actionable offensive, but Loretan says her prowler won’t be audience from her lawyer. "I beloved the elk," she explains, "and holdno grudges."

Political Compulsion
Two years afterwards his startup as mayor, Dennis Shuler stepped off his breast porch in October to incur himself confronted by a midsized horseshit, office of a ruck of 10 that was breakfasting on his lawn. When the samson supercharged, His Accolade was strained to pulsation an unstatesmanlike retire bum his neighbors’ knight prevue.

Intoxicated and Chaotic?
In the wee hours of a lively dark death October, wooly-minded Banff residents patched a cow gadding almost township with a pliant lawn chairperson about her cervix. Though variable explanations for the sartorial command birth been offered, the up-to-the-minute consensus seemed to handgrip that the elk had been ineffective to incur a lampshade in the allow sizing.

Example by Greg Clarke

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