Sign Language

The birth of Romanian

1 Killed ROMAN – ALL moping.

O Lord my God, forgive my soul vicious as they wept and argued, when the novel found dead and buried! Threw lumps of sticky clay, they knocked together on wood mac genre. Dead man spun, but a man of young singing full voice to drown scrape under the hood.

The word “novel” eventually received almost humorous filling. So you go to visit a friend. To your question – that, say, scowling and generally do not shave, he mumbles like a novel (or “like”) writing.

In response, the phrase I personally would be in the language of spun ditty of the prewar period:

Hi, Bob, I removed
In the blue dress.
But is not that in which e … Xia,
A very, very different.

Here, in fact, necrophilia! Genre buried, and they write it. And treacherous literary questions are answered, or “Yes, he did not die and never died!” – A reference to mavzoley.lenin, ah_ty_sobaka.lyud.ru-ru-ru; or: “This is a new novel. He was reborn. “

Writers genetics. While we lamented over the “Crime and Margarita” and sobbing over the “Master and punishment”, they created a “new novel.”

Netushki! So do not play the game! Roma buried (I familiarly) in the coffin very hard, vodka drink – everything! Not dare to dig! Here for you exhumation.

Truth be fun, when he presented himself for Russia – well, not only, of all Russian writers-and-write-able – in an escape space. As if in a contour map for the 5th class of our skins begin to break the eggshell head – dark, white, reddish and drags any brains. And any split from her neighbor, she thinks in his own skull. Skonnektilis not, as they say on the outskirts of the Pechora.

Enough novels. In the XIX century for progressive-minded Russian word “novel” personified the husks and chaff, which, following the Jewish one good novel, to be separated from the grain.

2 ROMANIAN BORN – Again ALL sob

Romania since the dawn of time the number of “black root” on the body of the Earth. Romanian fairy tales he had heard of me in the villages (I do not fantasize!) On the plot – possible death for all living things.

Ghouls have their stroll in every village two or three pieces. A rat-killer? It does not just drink blood, and still is sophisticated? A famed Count Dracula (Vlad Ttsepesh)?

Something stands behind our backs. Possible for life to go to the mount, but not recommend this to our literature. Physical help her figure is not needed. She would have the spiritual!

The answer to the question is simple. You only need to rummage through the Carpathians. Their kulturtregerstvo and wealthy agents to answer the most massive exhalation Carpathian Shocking! Scared to there is not much.

Taking all this into account, Taras V. Trofimov offers sobbing fiction writers (because their books will take myagenko exclusively covers and railway stations) and calculating gouging (which is still, what, how, on what subject to write about, and your fingers – you’ll see! – Suspended better than the language) new genre:

M P I N N!

3 THINGS TO ROMANIAN best novel?

Manual for Airborne and those who are not familiar with the new breakthroughs in the Russian language creation. Thus, differences in Romania from 10 novels, of course, in the best side:

1 The word “Romania” like “Roman”, but does not cause association with the theater “Romen”.

2 Romanians easier to read, as it is small.

3 Initially, the Romanians are all true and alleged conflicts of the plot turn. From this first wins the reader who is not on the night looking to count the acts of heroes.

4 Romanians inevitably become Russian property, regardless of who wrote it. Even Romanians.

5 Works in the genre of “Romanians” can be given to children to read. If they do not usvoyut, they will be ecstatic.

6 This is not your Cortazar.

7 In the genre of “Romanians”, without knowing it, wrote people like E. Benin, Bob Lex R. Gorp, AI Solzhenitsyn, Vera Shoplytvam (Beach), and others.

8 The preceding paragraph is some tutorial on Romania. If you believe in the existence of E. Benin (he told me, by the way, should be 450 rubles, since January), you should be sure to read at least one of the Romanians.

9 Romanians – a litmus test for the young. If zahryukaet – will be a real change.

10 Romanians loves concentration and attention, that does not distinguish it from the novel. But the Romanians, the son of “black root” of the Earth, Romania, draws the reader even stronger. If you stick to the Romanians bright ideas and concepts (that I personally could not), we will bring up some flawless country whose inhabitants are, figuratively speaking, to devour by shit famous crusader. Cross also must be able to wear it!

Refer you to my first Romanians “VGLOP – catcher Boodle.”

Taras Trofimov

Vglop – catcher Boodle, or well you, Russ! ..

Romanians

Part III

Chapter 1

In the evening, Victor Vglop approached the village Huge napalm. Standing at the hitching post man grunted smorknulsya and drank a bottle of poison.

– Tell peyzan, far whether the inn? – Victor asked.

Man farted, scratched and keeled over on its side. Vglop kicked him in his ugly face. Of Muzhichi nose flowed soup. The man waved his hand limply, showing direction. Victor hit him and hastened to log for the night.

The owner of the inn was wavy parrot. He pulled out a yellow ticket with the room and said:

– Shoot! Decent!

Facilities Victor Vglop first naburovil for yourself bowl of boiling water and put back tired legs. Nice! Victor uncomplicated dinner served wavy parrot – owner of the night. Vglop fried it on the matches.

For this reason alone the evening can be seen how sometimes bitter and aspiring to the goal of being was Victor Vglop.

Chapter 2

It was extraordinary. Vglop traveled the already half-Russian, gently vysprashivaya people about puppy Boodle and stabbing. One bitch if he managed to get in Bryansk, and thick, gluttonous, avaricious, ruthless alcoholics-merchants are not stingy: took a stab in pounds of silver. Victor cast for a bust of Cicero out of it, what is called, “on pereklad”, in other words to the effect of the cut, a sort of ladder, with fashionable bulges on the sides of both legs, and sent to my mother.

Boodle same hands I could not get – walking, however, rumors that Kobel’kov Boodle is beheld in the village huge Ovnetso, the third-class carriage in the suitcase under the bench, quite accurately describes the methods of their faces and walk, but the rumors turned out to be incorrect. Now Vglop inspected last opportunity – were that the old woman in a huge napalm Countess is Boodle, and not one. Victor was in a hurry: a red-faced, cunning, offensive, pot-bellied negotiators expect not adored.

At his feet lay a daguerreotype Vglopa Boodle. On it was written: “Aunt”.

Chapter 3

Victor finished his morning parrot threw the dice on the stove, put on the road’s coat and painted Muzhichi.

So, breaking comedy, sneezing and groaning, the applicant Boodle reached the churchyard, where there was a dark house. Count lived there.

At the gate Vglop called the rail. Immediately came the Countess. She was dressed all in black, her nails were 30 cm long. Countess eat human brains and eyes, and slept in a coffin. Farmers lost in its possession, as a means of buffet. Because it is very well fed. All this Vglop noted fleetingly, in the meantime he was intrigued by a couple of Boodle repyah who scratched on the fence.

– Sell Boodle, lady! – Idiot giggling because he continued to represent Muzhichi, zagnusavil Victor.

– No! – Replied the countess, and fired. Boodle immediately ran up and ate Vglopa, leaving the Countess brain and eyes.

Chapter 4

Russ, Russ, that you run and where? .. And why, by the way? .. Just at the theoretical level, where? .. What? .. Who? .. What? ..

end

Sign Language

At 14.15 Maxim Szabo came out of a taxi without paying. Yellowish teeth dug into the driver’s electrical tape on the handlebars. The taxi driver was crying. Maxim 40 minutes talking to him about his brother. This homely trick helped drive without means in 7 cases out of fifty 1st. By late October, Maxim wrote and the second story – about spaniel Jack. Watch out, the driver!

Maxim lit a cigarette and a narrow, wobbling, and went on to Motsaryana boutique “Boutique Les Boubont”. Jabot was all over the white as hristosik. At the traffic lights he met Valentine blocks. Package of yogurt juicy squeaked in the left pocket of his tunic. Valentin always walked the same route that I did. I drove from Orubino to Domkino, getting out and how come drink with men! Clumps going to Domkino foot and pushed his way into a minibus “CHVAH AMIGO” – to Zhbey. As he pushed his way Zhbyah home, pushed his way home on the couch and swallowed yogurt, watching the forecast. Later dream about an elephant.

It is necessary to understand sounded toponymy. Orubino – stop “Ruby.” Professional designer on the sign are two or noncommittal circle on both sides of the word. Timeout “ORUBINO.” Domkino – how annoying it may sound, all only “Home Cinema”. Reinforced concrete – factory (and district) JBI. And not adjacent villages.

Motsaryan – is Lenin. I invented the pseudonym Lenin, and good. “Lenin” is even worse. This is me – Lenin, I have wife – Elena. My wife – Tarasikov. And Lenin – Motsaryan. I ask to see what Mozart – absolutely not Motsaryan. Motsaryan – Salieri. In other words Salieri – Lenin ?!

Maxim wobble on Motsaryana to Motsaryana, 17 in the boutique “Bubo” worked his beautiful friend Fedor Fufo. Yesterday’s call Feodor did not leave any other guesses that calls Fedor Fufo. Even on the mobile phone “MEAL Corazon” appears vague inscription: “Fedor Fufo calls.” Maxim to him read. Oh, that Fedor! Decided reptile, relax after working days! Yes no where else but in the “pockmarked little boat!” Expensive!

– Okee-y! – Said Maxim. – I’ll get to the “bubonic” in fourteen 20.

– It’s early, – horrified Fufo. – Let’s at seven. We have seven boutique locked.

– No, – has made an objection Maxim – I come in fourteen 20.

– At fourteen, 20 I’ll still be working four o’clock and 40 minutes.

– And I still go up! – Maxim stubborn and pressed the “5”.

Valentin lumps did not know what had happened to. He had to Maxim SUITCASE Dept.! In despair, doused himself with a lump of yogurt and froze on the corner, depicting a sculpture Motsaryana. On TV was doing such dirty things clown Pencil.

Maxim passed, casually greeting: “Hi, Val. In a hurry. ” And has not remembered bags! Valentin lumps stood as spat yogurt. “What am I going to swallow on the couch under the forecast? – Flashed through my head. – Line? “

In the second before the lumps as Motsaryana squeezed into the bus, managed to take a picture with him a Japanese tourist. Frame went unique. Even say anything. The camera was a tourist “HIROSHIMA Pych.” Yes, that! Scandalous series “HYCH ELECTRONICS”!

In the “bubonic” was almost empty, in other words, like a bowling alley. Just in front of the other Maxima Fyodor stood thick secured bandit. They are hot, languid, exciting argued.

– This is a burning form! – Fundamentally read Fufo.

– Yes blyaya !!! E … aat !!! – Objected bold thief.

– In Milan … – handed Fufo.

– Oh, blyaya! Saunaaa !!! Epppt !!! – Did not agree disgusting pig gangster.

Behind the back of Maxim sounded bryakane Asian door bells. The boutique has gone glamorous woman with a mouthpiece. Fedor is also switched on her.

– I heard you delivery “DYNTS CHUCHUCHU”? – Glamorous voice, she asked, and awesome bit mouthpiece.

– Yesterday! Yesterday! – Fyodor joyfully shouted.

– Yesterday! – Caught in the other ear Maxim.

And even cursed murderer zhirtrest contracted general merriment and hooted:

– Blllyayayaaaa !!! Razborrrka, eptyyyyt !! Vcherrrraa !!!

– We wish to estimate the cardigan from the last series, such colors … In general, this rastsvetochki … – myalas awesome lady.

– What is it? – Fyodor asked sympathetically.

– Well, at the moment show – she sat down and concentrate shit on the floor a huge pile. Mouthpiece in her teeth gritted. Podterevshis denomination 200 euros, she triumphantly pointed at a pile of lacquered fingernail:

– That’s about the color itself!

– Oh, shit color ?! – Maxim realized.

Glamorous lady blushed and hissed at him:

– What are you to let yourself, young man! Such a word obscene, and loud!

– This coloring “boars shield 201” – led to a specialist about Fufo. – Could not strain yourself, the entire collection is maintained in these colors.

– I, too, “boars shit!” – Bandit face lit up. – I wish “boars shit!”

– Unfortunately, your size is not. Sold out – sigh Fufo.

– Blyayaaa !!! Kolyan naahhh !!! It was he, blyayaya !!! – Exclaimed full criminal schmuck, drew a dark gun, then move on bolshennom coach ran out of the boutique “Bubo”. Glamorous lady spent his lovers sigh and a bite mouthpiece.

At 14.54 friends came out of the “Boutique Les Boubont”. One moment previously used Fedor threw a shovel and asked permission from the Director. Learning that Fyodor two days are sold eighty seven jumpers “DYNTS CHUCHUCHU” coloring “boars shield 201”, director kissed his feet, and gave the award and let a little walk.

Maxim Szabo looked enviously at Fufo. He was dressed naiaktualneyshe. A naiaktualneyshim this season including all sorts of rubbish on the principle of “what is irrelevant, the more urgent.” Fedor on his head hung Chinese plastic cap with a broken visor, half-worn coat of arms of the United States and the words “USE”. A faded T-shirt “Union of Right Forces – 1998” in harmony with the baggy trousers of greenish three-piece suit. Legs merchant wore sneakers with glowing soles – you go there and lanterns light up. However, the lanterns are not lit up, but it was still relevant. In the hands of Fufo leatherette carrying bag coloring “boars shield 201.”

– Fashionable, Fyodor – rated Maxim.

So, with these countless sparkling jokes, rhymes comrades reached the entrance to the “Ryabuyu little boat.” At the entrance reigned face control.

Maxim was prevailed face control, and did not want to let Fyodor.

– Get out, bomzhara! – Snarling guard.

– What do you realize – defended Fufo. – It’s burning!

The watchman looked at him and decided to 5 seconds:

– No. Irrelevant.

Maxim has decided to come to the aid of a friend. He jumped out of the club with arms outstretched, as in the dance, “Oh, Borovinka” and shouted:

– Fyodor – the son of President Putin! Came from Moscow! This scion of President Putin, – whispered Maxim face-controller.

– Why is dressed like a goof? – Did not believe that.

– Incognito – explained to Maxim.

– Oh, no … with means? – Relieved keeper. – Our poor dear Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin … Well, come on, Fedor Vladimirovich.

– I do not Vladimirovich – Fyodor protested. Max shoved him inside, the guard smiled and trotted after her. Face control scratched shaven snout.

– From the father denies … From Vladimir Putin ours. What can I say? Inkognit is inkognit!

Behind the bar was a man without legs, but with a parrot. The parrot was very firmly strapped with tape to stumps and the bartender served him a prosthesis. Smell of the sea. Pushed around a lot of riff-raff. Comrades took the barrels behind the bar.

Litsezrev Jabot and Fufo bartender grabbed the guy and took a couple of steps to the guests. Parrot wheezed. Going to the edge of his own stand, the man took the collar vest and sweating, trying to break it.

– The old man did not Ssylver reads and hears, – said hollow bass sedentary close second man with an eye patch and no hands. – But he is well aware of body language.

Fedor here showed Ssylveru middle finger. The bartender shook his head, grabbed a bottle of “YOPP BRANDY” and for no with this pinned to the head of Maxim.

– What is it? – Asked Fufo.

– You, of a beggar man, sign language asked Ssylvera knock your friend a bottle of brandy on the head, – explained to the one-eyed, and the number of wrinkles on his face was two hundred one.

– And why is his name Ssylver? – Groaned bloody Maxim. Krovushka – drip-drip-drip – posachivalas on polets.

– He was in exile for each poor person. In general, the real reason you’ll learn later – a man turned to a fire hydrant.

– Let’s book whiskey! – Offered Jabot Fedor.

– Would not prevent – weakly uttered Maxim. – Something I do not feel well. – Under his feet already formed luzhenka krovtsy.

– Let’s book doctor! – Fufo bother.

– Do not, is irrelevant. Let’s whiskey – Max muttered.

Fedor looked at the bartender and randomly waving both hands and began to shout:

– Whiskey! Two c! Realized ?! Vi-ski and !!! Two-and-esti !!! Gra-um !!!

Ssylver nodded, took a bottle of expensive whiskey “Yt-wing.” Questioningly handed it Fede. The man nodded. The old man swung and boomed the heavy bottle of Maximus on the skull. Jabot slid to the floor.

– What is blunt! – Fedor was taken aback. – I have not asked about it.

– Specifically about this, about a beggar boy, – deaf man said, and the wrinkles on his dirty face appeared exactly three. – And do not understand sign language, do not come to our inn.

– Tavern Khrenova – angry Fufo. – Doctors need to call!

– Do not be. I’m a doctor, – the one-eyed tears with barrels and bent over Maxim. – Your friend died of an indigent man, – he said after a moment. – For those of you not to drink whiskey for the last penny, and zhmurovozku cause.

Valentin lumps thoughtfully poglatyval yellowish line and watched the weather forecast. Screen of an old, scratched “HAV young bucks” lit. Phone began to vibrate. “Fedor Fufo calls” – was written on a screen.

– Yes? – Valentin said in a trembling voice. The phone kept ringing. Valentin pressed the “@” and said into the phone:

– No?

– What is “no”? – Asked irritably Fufo.

– I have no SUITCASE Dept. for Jabot. Yet, – explained frightened lumps.

– I do not need. Maxim died. From loss of blood died, – sighed Fyodor.

– True ?! – Happy Valentine.

– It is true. I am what I call a … come to the funeral?

– Yes! Naturally, I will come! Of course! – Happily clicked blocks and pressed the “%”. He no longer has to SUITCASE Dept.! It should only slightly, and even then to me. Valentina was so simple, so easy! How pyatisotgrammovaya dumbbells, easy! ..

Pork egg

Tale

In the evening, at 6 o’clock, the manager ran out of Seva Korjagin reddish “Audi” as gazelle, slid into pissing staircase panels and began to poke a finger in the burnt elevator button. He wished home since worked, the wife is. Wife Lily, tatarva not opened. Was not it at all. Seva offended, but later found to hold yellowish note. And it said:

“EVA! I went to the Tatars to play on the German accordion and sing about kilmandu1. Now we have a special Mongolian prazdnichek. Therefore, EVA, go and buy:

1 oil;

2 loaves;

3 zhingylmyk;

4 eggs (pork).

Whole, as zhena. “

Korjagin thought, and it was painful after work – he worked his head. Lily wrote, like chicken, of course, a young addicts, full of sores. Unprincipled she had with it. But on a yellowish clear note read as follows: eggs (pork).

– Where can I find pork eggs, Lily? – Asked Seva in the hold. Bezmolvstvovavstvovalo dressing table.

– What bezmolvstvovstvuesh? – Tried to utter Korjagin and felt that he broke a little for a brain.

There was nothing – Seva could not endure when Lily beheld that nothing-he had bought, and began to look for its slanting Tatar chichami awful. It then took a shiver differently and shriveled. So hungry Korjagin unstick yellowish note from the holds and dragged back to piss on the staircase. He slammed the door loudly. Already Aunt Piggy from the eighteenth floor fell with their own teeth nestruganyh cum right on the iron.

On the way through the piss staircase Seva stuck in an elevator, and while was sitting there 50 minutes, his mood was better. He remembered funny stories, which are now at the meeting said the representative of the Southern District. Oh, what a funny stories were funny! Oh, too funny! And all about the ass. Korjagin laughter burst into tears, and so, sobbing, got out of the elevator on the rope and went to the parking lot in their “Audyu.” Snow rushed at him biting dog. Since it is not the month of May. For mesh netting parking was a house, and lived there the watchman. He slept in a coffin, and his nails were 20 cm. When Korjagin climbed into the reddish “Audyu” and started to grind it, the guard said in a window:

– Korjagin! Where are you?

– I find eating pork eggs, – said Seva.

– What, the wife asked for a delicacy? Good you have it!

But exactly smeknul Korjagin. His Mongolian wife doted regale own workaholic-wife, after kilmandy something. And saliva mixed with tears in Bryl deeply moved manager. Caretaker meanwhile sat on the hood.

– Motor still quite hot! – He said.

– Hot – grabbed Seva.

– Hot! – Exclaimed the watchman. Alex was his name.

– He is hot! – Clicked Korjagin, grimacing.

Watchman suddenly jumped up and looked at Seva languid animal eyes Afghan veteran. Seva was horrified and very carefully went away. Alex poked his finger and put the snow there zazhigalochku. He knew more than Korjagin. He just remembered that egg boar is not going to pluck. Smells. Bull testicle goes ram too. A boar? .. Black shop meat combine ideas changed in the guard scorched Kabul. Hitretsky Dushman … dushnovato explosion and darkness … Alex waved his clawed hands, driving hassle. It is better to think about the plant. Is that tatarva Lily will be able to make fragrant eggs royal boar stew. And remembering wide narrow-eyed face, trembled Lesha in sweet anticipation, and then put the same for a terrible oath: “Ote … have! Ote … in! “

At that time, Seva has already left the center and hit the cork blocks as fifteen. Headache, what Korjagin find options to produce pig eggs. Right sparkled invitingly supermarket “Protein”. Once there take Seva lobster. Carefree student youth … They cooked lobster NIGHT MODE in the hostel, thrusting into the sink illegal commandant boiler. I knew it, a paleontologist at the Leaky sweater, no socks and underpants on the future? He and about the past is not a lot I know. As truant lectures. And the government has learned its free.

Deciding that where lobster, pork and eggs there, the manager turned to the “Squirrel”. Along the way he crushed the kitten, and wept bitterly at the crossroads devchenka eight years old, has absolutely no boobs and cap. Kishochki kitten smeared on a wet, dirty asphalt, and standing next to a child nimble old man shook his head angrily. Then he said:

– Do not cry, devchenka. Let’s go better with me. I am your new kitten gifts. Freshest. 2-. And Chocolates “Pineapple”. And 230 rubles.

The girl smiled through the tears of the old man and murmured:

– Come on, Grandpa …

And they walked bodrenkim step somewhere in the twilight touched garages.

Seva, like a shark narwhal, dissected shiny wagon mass of the people, nabivshegosya in “Protein”. The distance from the ceiling shining reddish word “meat products”. A few minutes later Korjagin already standing in line. The saleswoman was very similar to Lavrenti Pavlovich Beria, especially hat. The windows of pig eggs were observed.

– Tell me, do you have pork egg? – The manager asked Beria. Saleswoman somehow turned crimson, scratched mop between the legs and loudly clicked:

– It had to drink ?!

– No, I did not, – adequately straightened Seva.

– Drunkards one walks in the morning vodka get drunk at 40 rubles and stroll here!

– Do not yell, Beria! – Confused Korjagin said.

– But I will! ‘ll Bl … shout here! – Lawrence P. started up and deftly tucked Seva in the pocket card. Behind came a stern voice:

– Why are you offended saleswoman?

Korjagin shoved his shoulders and trotted off with his own nasty empty cart. Turn voluptuously grunted. Just getting to own “Audi,” manager braked, lit a cigarette without nicotine and took a business card Beria. There has been a number of cellular communication and the inscription: “Valentine (Roman). Lustful seks “. Seva confused and started shuffling. Not that it is not sought at the moment your life Koriagina. She lobbied for pork egg Mongolian wife Lily.

Near grunted and crashed “Oude” Bumper great. He was sitting in a bony young man greenish jacket. He stood slightly on one wheel, and later boast Korjagin:

– How do your “Audyu” entered! In most zhopen!

– Yes, zhopen – agreed Seva.

– At most, the zhopen! – Basically said the young man. Here Korjagin realized that assumed a card Beria, O child of perfect worlds. The manager ran to the door of the “Audi” and began with the power to delay the handle, but it would not budge. Since Showa himself closed the door. So as not to steal. Cyclist sat on the great and went in dirty snow where stuck. To him jumped two dogs, Lord and Knop. The one that is larger than that, dark, with matted hair, and still left ear overstrained a centimeter and a half – is Lord. A small, piebald, without a tail, and with belmishkom lishaishkom – it Knop, she had previously lived with his aunt Pipa, Pipa only aunt died, and virtually all of its Knop overeat until the police broke the door is not because of the odor. And the neighbors are already tired to call – break the door, they say, and then truptsoy certain smells. Almost a month had to call.

Well, bitten, so firmly.

Climbing into the “Audyu” Seva realized that the engine still hot. But where he had to go and lay his head, where to buy magic, rare pork eggs, Korjagin not know. His brain is broken forever, and thoughts inside was gone. The manager hesitated and decided to call his own boss, a senior manager Ivan Ahmedovich. Since Ivan Akhmedovich was very intelligent and insightful person. Yes, it is smart and spicy, and when there is no salary for three months, he always remembered some merry jest, on which the entire department for a long time and laughs loudly. All monitors zaplyuyut. In addition, Ivan Akhmedovich had a reputation for culinary esthete part, as has previously worked at the meat plant, on the strip of liver. Seva long hesitated to call the authorities or not. Not one cigarette butt from the cigarette without nicotine flew out of the window “Audi” at the feet of a dead cyclist. In the end, the manager had the courage.

– Cho ?! – Asked in the cellular handset sluggish voice Ivan Akhmedovich.

– Ivan Akhmedovich it Vsevolod you care. Sorry it during off-hours, – guilty muttered Seva.

– And Cho? – Asked a senior manager.

– As you can see, Ivan Akhmedovich, there is such a thing. Vsevolod his wife, Lila Tatar, bezotstupno recommended buy pork eggs. For delicacy. And Vsevolod almost upside lost their searching. And they never find. Maybe you could give a hint Vsevolod, where they can get?

– Yes, what are you doing, Sanya! – Ivan roared Akhmedovich. – Egg boar even pluck does not go! The smell is not one! Bullish goes, lamb goes! Boar – no! Tatar, saying ?! No such courses in Mongolian cuisine. My father told me not to cook – means no!

Seva rapidly screwed up his eyes and thought about the award, which will not. In the tube was heard gurgling, girlish squeal, and the voice of Ivan Akhmedovich, softer, said:

– In general, look ridiculous story in the subject. Instead of premium. Man went to Greece for fighting bulls. Here his friend bring a plate of bull testicles. He is such a waiter says, and bring it to me, too. A waiter brings him a small egg. And the man says, and that it’s not enough? A waiter such: Well, it’s like you’re lucky!

Korjagin whole-heartedly laughed. Three minute satisfied Ivan Akhmedovich grunted

– Stop laughing. Himself something like, Sanya? Anthem though our corporate remember?

– Of course, – assured Seva – we each morning …

– Come on, sing!

The manager cleared his throat and tightened:

Like a ship on a wave,
We fly in the sky,
Opponents tremble at the bottom of all-in!

Since our series –
There are all together,
And look with courage in the eye-in!

Chorus:
Glory to you, our company!
You are our fraction forever!
You are all significantly more beautiful,
So commanded chelove-ek
So commanded man!

On the last line Korjagin almost tore the voice and started coughing. Through the glass of the car behind him was closely followed Lord and Knop.

– Good for you, Sanya! – Praised Ivan Akhmedovich. – We mean, to work! And try their eggs on the meat plant to purchase, at the security guard. Only in vain all this. In boar testis even pluck does not go, I know. All right, hang up.

– Until tomorrow, Ivan Akhmedovich – said Seva little hooters. He leaned back in his “Audi”. In a broken brain Koriagina flashed: “Genius!” Later there flashed: “Indeed, what Ivan Akhmedovich genius! Combine the meat! And I did not think of! “And later still flashed:” Sugar-Boy! “

The manager started “Audyu” and touched. Under the wheel of something snapped. Knop. And the entire front entrance supermarket “Protein” feral beast roared orphaned Lord. People are terrified skirted formidable mongrel slowly in cramped buses and only one kid in white mittens dispassionately approached the monster.

– Do not howl so nice, good Lord, – said the child and gave the dog to sniff the mitten. That was out of dog hair. “Smells like a bitch” – said the Lord.

– Come on, I’ll give you to eat glass, – continued the baby and the dog obediently trotted right behind him. Just for a moment, turned to the dog lying by the “Squirrel” carcass. Oh, Knoop, Knoop. That’s fun for you wallow crows and around – blankly drifts. As happened, you sipped from the garbage!

Ivan threw Akhmedovich cellular handset in the jacuzzi and drank a glass of brandy twelve.

– All around th … Anat – he growled.

– And I? – Asked one of the eight-thousand-prostitutes. Senior manager gave her prof eye older liverschika and brought results:

– You too.

Then Ivan Akhmedovich drank another glass of brandy and a twelve-headed dove into the Jacuzzi. This is not to hiccup. And so just nice.

Korjagin rode and raced under the Frigid darkness in his own beautiful “Oudh”. Around a completely dark, and the meat plant was out of town. It was necessary to hurry – the experience of Seva knew that even the longish song about kilmandu ever so over. On the other side windows danced Father Russian forest. Cried wolves, foxes and hedgehogs yapping. In addition, some snow began Inferno, greyish. Seva was driving and thought that his boss – a very prominent figure. In one corner loomed grayish gate with asterisks. Top was the inscription “MEAT PLANT!” Working in the morning proud not that anyhow – Works!

Getting out of the “Audi”, Korjagin knocked at the door. Opened a small kalitochka and snow came in old dwarf-guard without a leg.

– Well it’s you without a leg, brother? – The manager asked respectfully.

The old man began mumbled, as if picking up a word in skanvordov. He stuck in the gap-toothed mouth “White Sea” and finally said:

– Give to a light, grandson.

– With Grandpa – handed him Seva torch.

The guard dragged and approved:

– Oh, you have a bad flare! Hot!

– Hot – agreed Korjagin.

– Oh, hot! – And grandfather wept, remembering his shameful days of the foreman in Dachau. Seva decided that here and it’s time.

– Grandpa, Do you not sell me pork eggs? – He asked.

– On INTO they for you? – Squinted one eye midget. – At the boar testis in organ meats – and that does not go …

– I know, my grandfather, – nodded angrily manager. – But I have a wife-Tatar Lily will make a delicacy.

– Is Tatar INTO … – thought ancient stinking wreck. – No. This is one thing I will not give.

– But why? – Seva was taken aback.

– We are their opponent Sui, under the guise of the bull, – explained to his mumbled mouth guard. – Painting the blue pencils and a chemical plant “Pease … Kovu and partners” toss. That comes from their pluck – the one but not that! – Midget insidiously zaperhal.

– Well sa-ay, man … – began to moan Korjagin.

– No, – firmly perhnul grandfather. – Council but I can give. In the town I have a nephew. The morgue works combine our help. My name is Peter. You go-to to him will choose for themselves truptsy poyaytsatey, narezhesh as necessary, and take me to his own Tartar. In appearance they are not the INTO on boar, but the smell – tyutelku ki-kxx-hrkh-ykh!

Seva knelt down and only then able to worship in times coughs runt. “Common Council – decided the manager, sitting in the” Audyu. ” – Pork egg is not yet aware of. Botulism, for example. And in the morgue somehow more human. ” In the rearview mirror vomited blood guard.

– Good grandfather, – said aloud Korjagin, setting the stage for “Audyu.” – Ivan Akhmedovich But all the same will be smarter!

“Audya” turned around and ran back to the city. And the old man and perhal perhal until hard not got at the hands of the gate well, and do not lay down in the snow. Mean time it is – to die. And completely natural, incidentally. Even Yul Brynner of “White Sea” has died, and he was playing Chris. In other words, it is clear that not anyone anyhow. And here – a midget, also without matches.

– In vain is it for pork … – whispered guard cozier crushing snow under an uneven head. – Do boar testis where it is going? Nowhere … Is Lord with Knop kinesh, well, those noses turn up … Here on the rack in Dachau krutanesh used to egg partisan … – and the old man usop.

Snow has passed, and the sky seemed the star. Not less than fifty pieces. Manager twisted and pulled the gubernaculum pedaltsy. He still hoped to catch the eggs and cut back through the piss locked home before the arrival of the couple. Dirty drops flew back and forth across the road. Morgue.

The door opened Korjagin skeleton. Seva entered the cool hallway. There he expected Ghoul Dracula.

– Give bite – Ghoul said Dracula.

– I have to Petya – dismissed Korjagin.

The manager walked down the corridor, and Dracula were dragged out by him and whined: “Give … On polshishechki …” – perfect as he whined Seva testicular midget. As for the steadfast Korjagin closed door marked “Peter, nephew,” Ghoul back to the entrance and whispered angrily:

– Around redneck!

– And I? – Skeleton asked, tapping his knuckles against the wall.

– And you, – said vampire Dracula, lay in a coffin, laughed and began to mysteriously fly, as if the pilot.

– Sent me your uncle – began a conversation with Seva severe obese Petya.

– I have no uncles – Peter replied angrily.

– How is it? Such a midget without legs and eyes, lung cancer, he still … – began to delineate the manager.

– What are you, uh … l? – Asked his nephew and took from the table the iron hammer.

– I need eggs! – In desperation blurted Korjagin. Peter at one point kinder.

– Eggs – cellular operator – he repented Seva. – The man – eggs. Take scissors and cut as needed. Only pathology do not cut! I collect them …

For half an hour Korjagin scored a few kilos of good eggs. Across even with tattoos. Seva chose larger and pomyasistee. Then he put all the eggs in a bag lying on the floor, and carefully toward the exit. At the door, “Audi” it is very painful zasandalil on the head vampire bat coffin. Under the wild neighing Dracula Korjagin started another hot engine and finally went home.

Exactly at midnight manager Seva Korjagin pulled in his native corridor second shoe, and went into the living room. Picture of his burdened task. On the couch dark oak were sitting side by side naked wife Lila Tatar and naked guard Alex. Lily on her knees holding an accordion. “She sang about Lesha kilmandu” – thought of Seva.

– Where have you been, man is a fool? – Sternly asked tatarva. – Stupid chump your strolling where?

– For products went, – said the manager. – What’s that?

– The Food 6:00 fool only goes! Oil, loaf, zhingylmyk where? Testis where? This is Alex, he is good. Hot.

– Yes, that’s your testicles – angry Korjagin. – Pork, as requested! All gasoline burned until found!

– Durachina completely, right? Stupid chump, I Tatar forgotten already? Tatars do not eat pork, eh? – Lily stretched folds of an accordion and sang:

Ah, stupid chump,
Yingalari kilmanda!

Ah, stupid chump,
Yingalari kilmanda!

Ah, stupid chump,

Yingalari kilmanda!

Alex began her sing and clap their clawed hands. Seva muttered:

– Well, well, pork … Vaughn – “Slave of the CPSU” written …

– Durachina! – Lily interrupted song. – I “FRESH” written, not “pork”. Hey kultyum MIRV biltym! Go to your “Audyu” bad chump – not love you now, Lesha love!

Korjagin shocked looking at the yellowish note. Yes – it was written “fresh”, now it has become quite clear. Not feeling the legs, slowly Seva, a song about kilmande, in his socks left in piss staircase and began to descend. Package with eggs slowly rocked in his hand. For the manager slammed the door. Lily pulled off fatty shoulder straps accordion and began to look his own incredible flat oblique mug right on Lesha. Caretaker embarrassed.

– Alex, you have such eggs – like a pig right! Will unclean testicles Muslim Mongolian master?

– I will! – Alex yelled and threw Lily Tartar woman on the sofa in dark oak. Their bodies entwined, hot passion makes everything harder to cuddle each other, and two hearts tapped in heaven divine rhythm of love languor. In short, the steel e … Xia.

Korjagin was sitting in a dirty reddish “Oude” and try to use your loaf broken brain. Not a very successful day, he decided, and looked at the package with eggs. He was lying on the right seat. Seva longed to throw eggs, but felt sorry for. “And why did I read” pork “instead of” fresh “? – Fumbling in the remnants of the brain. – Durachina what. Stupid chump. Just this … Freudianism. Exactly. That fool!

But why – fool? Read correctly all can. But I did the right thing. As the training voices. I – a) put the puzzle! b) outlined ways of tackling! – And -) headed for the goal! I’m done! So Ivan Akhmedovich reads will work! The genius of it, of course … “

And, lighting on this day last cigarette without nicotine, hungry and tired manager Seva Korjagin purred corporate anthem. By the third verse, he was singing in full voice. Manager of the garages howl echoed Lord. With Bryl dog fell bloody saliva.

Nobody break us and do not crush,
Since we are always better-ah!
And during all the day remember, lad, –
At you shining bright star-ah!

Chorus:
Glory to you, our company!
You are our fraction forever!
You are all significantly more beautiful,
So commanded chelove-ek
So commanded man!

Rage and Faith

– Mon cher, you are like a man after eating greenish worms – said at one point, the princess looked at her glass on Dyubelmana.

– Ha! – Exclaimed one. – Princess, will you lose a bet to me from another feather fan – man, having gorged greenish worms, must inevitably go to the ancestors!

Reddish embarrassment Princess climbed hand under the pillow and pulled out a fan is not enough reminiscent of their own direct destination. Pulling out of beech ramochek latest feather, she threw his hatred Dyubelmanu. Perot beginning delineate charming, full of natural grace arc.

– Pascal – as usual out of place blurted Klovovits. A Dyubelman deftly grabbed a feather and neatly strengthened it between the other resting on his head in the form of funny Indian feathers.

– Princess – broke the silence Dyubelman a couple of minutes. – Do I look like Osceola?

– Unlikely – tortured grin cut face princess into two relatively equal parts. – You look like a man, after eating greenish worms.

– Princess, do not repeat the mistakes of old, otherwise I start to pull hairs out of your cheeks! – Playfully shook his finger Dyubelman. – Incidentally, you look like a horseman.

– You Dyubelman, remind me of the cockerel – Klovovits acted in the tradition of the genre.

– Oh, Klovovits, a lot! Than there would be a benefactor, who sewed for you to mouth shelkovinkoy we would istselovali his feet!

– Than there would be in my estate bear ninety pounds, I would have unleashed on you! .. – Klovovits pouted and stopped.

– You are a Jew, Dyubelman – suddenly said the princess. – You are a Jew – she repeated more forcefully.

– Jew! Jew! Jew! – Glad Klovovits.

Dyubelman hid his face in his hands and burst into tears. Just sobbing, he rose from his chair and walked out of the living room, not close the door behind him.

Princess and Klovovits clung tummy, not longer able to laugh.

– Oh-ho-Hoo! .. – Klovovits groaned.

– And what is it for you, mon cher? – Asked, whining, princess.

– Let’s do without comments!

– Oh, “Jew, Jew”

– A-ha-ha-ha! ..

Drawing-room door, and remain open to the softly skrepela not Proshka greased hinges. Because of the angle on the fun with Princess Klovovitsem looked Dyubelman.

– Oh, and I will make for you, oh, I will build! – He whispered angrily.

Late in the evening a little tipsy and joyful Klovovits went to his estate. He still chuckled, remembering the person mowing Dyubelmana. Suddenly over it sounded weird crackling. Klovovits raised his head and screamed in fear – from the sky it flew terrible Bulldog! Dog spread her legs and all the weight of the flesh Klovovitsa knocked on the head. The last thing to remember Klovovits was snow-white, thick saliva spattered bulldog coat.

The princess, being tired of annoying guests, after the ball was relieved. Marched into the bedroom, she took the book off the shelf for an evening of readings. Behind her came the sound of broken windows, and at the same time right in the back of his head struck the Princess English bulldog. Princess screamed in pain and fell to the emotions without carpets.

In the audience were heard applause. Best brains Petersburg exalted applauded Dyubelmanu, get down from the pulpit.

– Bravo! Hooray inventor бульдогеншлейдердампфмашины! – Heard here and there ecstatic cries.

– Once again, a Jew – whispered, clapping friend Glavulentsev.

– All for the good of the Russian Federation! – Replied the doctor Kryago.

At the door of the audience jumped to Dyubelmanu reporter.

– Just one more question, sire Dyubelman! – He pleaded.

Dyubelman impatiently waved his hand, giving consent.

– What inspired you to create such an amazing mechanism, as die Bulldogenschleuderdampfmaschine? 2

Dyubelmana answer was short:

– Anger and faith.

Race with the devil,
or
Small South American love affair with the bass

“Dad, I threw your trombone – he had already turned green,” – hardly any of these similar words (go to hell, Beethoven, – as an option) to expect from their own children and fattening balding Homer Simpson 50s. And the children of made hastily in the midst of the second World War, “was to” get a light from one another and are in the pocket of black leather jackets terrible razor. Spawn, so it was – look, that still was.

After the war, the South American society decided yet 100 fiftieth time to live himself; benefit funds allow. Nahapan a lot of funds for the fight against Nazism, Washington politicians allowed them to finish the facade of the country: the best car – we have, the best girls – we, the wisest president – guess who. All for the good of the person, and if not all, so it is possible to man and to invent, let it better nothing wrong not to notice. Let’s give him the joy – and the prompter of booths on the scene already climbs another thin-Sinatra song “If I could call the rain, I would not do it in such raschudesny day (baby).”

But the first generation of peacetime did not want those songs. Children grew their longish hair, laid them in coca using terrible amount of Grease, early tried alcohol, smoke your early, knocked nearby gophers, driving Papashiny machines up to 100 or more. Even children – holy shit! – Listened niggerskie songs, singing them and try to play something similar guitars donated them for Christmas. Not one mother, shaking bigudyashkami, cursed all music producers and Leo Fender himself under howling amplifier overheated from the corner of the garage – and what this fool just came across an old railway bridge, whose tree has gone on the first batch of “Tele” ?! Yes, these children generally were very independent. It is unsafe to self. For some reason they want to live or curious, and it is not appropriate – and it caused their parents certain wariness.

What songs – such heroes. Many useful to know that Elvis Presley plowed cornfield rockabilly Mouzon is not alone: ​​the place of a new genre flooded feral men – such as feral, as well as their music. Tearing strings hero Institute Buddy Holly succeeds on television terrible young man from a troubled region Gene Vincent, outside a decent guy named Eddie Cochran to the microphone stand blew his sarcastic: “Well, my mom and papa told me: son, you gotta make some money”, and blond angelok Jerry Lee Lewis in ecstasy banged heels on the piano keys.

In the years 1954-1958, climbed skyward homicide statistics, arson in student cities, road deaths and other unattractive poeben, well, quite unlike the “best car – we have, the best girls – we have.” The kids had fun, they lived a fascinating life of its own, and manufacturers push knives could not be worried about its own modest business. Rockers realized that the best addition to the eggs between the legs – brilliant “Harley” or “Triumph”, and in-store ordinary people pay only one time, when buying a baseball bat – then you can free.

The way to deal with turnover of young people, the government is not happy about it. With the music of rebellion, first tried to fight, rather unsuccessfully tried to take candy from a two-meter intoxicated kid with a razor in the pocket! Then the cones of white houses remembered an old law of the hunters: not left to destroy – tame. Earned the gears of the new assembly flow, and take everything at face value the youth poured neat and sleek rockabilly factory assembled, not allowing a sebaceous hints in the texts and assumed dandruff on the collar the eighth deadly sin.

Immediately with the emergence of these conveyor pupsikov occurs string of events that I personally seem disgusting part of the plan. Judge for yourself: “accidentally” drops the plane vezshy concert of Buddy Holly, Richie and Big Boppera Velenza, just “accidentally” broken down car with Eddie Cochran. Jerry Lee community condemned for a wedding on a minor niece (by the standards of the American South – completely ordinary matter), Chuck Berry just landed in the slammer – also because of the women, by the way, and the guru of rock ‘n’ roll movement Alan “Moon Dog” Fried per day of days stuck in court, arguing that the sawed means dark musicians just for the love of art. Elvis drafted into the army, and charges salabon for some time became more important to him music, and Carl Perkins and Gene Vincent simply adjusted to donyshka glass – while if Carl somehow oklemalsya exactly to the rock-n-roll revival ( 1967), the Jin died in poverty and loneliness. It is possible that at the head of the dying Vincent dark pun was an empty bottle of gin.

While the authorities systematically vyschelkivali rockabilly heroes from the scene, the youth got accustomed to the new emasculated little boy, bad voice Nikstera from the movie “Riders” yelled: “We prick!” Spat in the direction of one or Bobby Vee Bobby Darin and went to a concert back home in search of new idols. And then … It was later almost everything: the British wave of patlatogo Bitlick headed, acid fumes summer of love, rage, hard rock and punk hatred – but so far authentic insurgents (rebels) combs coca wear leather jackets and heed the most wildly music – rockabilly , style, uniting disaffected youth of both sexes in a giant global gang, from which people can meet on any continent of the planet.

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