We have all seen countless articles with tips for those who want to always be ready, but I have never met an article telling you what skills you should learn and what tips to follow for those refuses to prepare. (This article is a sharp, politically incorrect satire. Do not say that you were not warned!)
Note the editor. We are not going to argue with the political or other views of the author, although it could be. But in general, despite the caustic criticism, he writes correctly. Since it is these skills that will have to be used by those who believe that the state will save and protect it, in which case.
Why u anti cooked can not be their lists, like those who are always ready? In the end, they also need to master a huge array of dangerous, coarse survival skills, for example, on food layouts, when stealing goods from stores or how to suck for medicines!
Honestly, I believe that most of us – those who are always ready – have ever slightly discriminated against those who are in “lists of unprepared“, In front of those who ponder to stop preparing. In the end, the skills that they absolutely need, much more difficult to accumulate than ours! This is a far more difficult way – for example, sucking for food, rather than just saving some food in the first place, so anti cooked really hard to live. So let them start learning right now!
It may also be helpful for them to participate in anti cooked exchange programs in which ignorant urban American liberals, who believe that socialism is cool, fly to Venezuela for several months, where they become witnesses of a collapsing socialist utopia and its complete collapse (during the development of “unavailability” skills they can return home, if everything very bad).
Hoping to help anti-cooked To develop the skills they need to become completely “unprepared”, I made this list of extremely useful skills “unavailability”, which they can start learning and practicing right now.
Skill number 1: Stand in line for twelve hours in a row
As Venezuelan residents sadly noticed, during BP, your number one action is to stand in line. And not only in the queue, mind you, but in many queues.
First, there is a queue at the Federal Emergency Management Agency, but they will not let you eat.
Then, there is another line – for medicines in the hospital, where you will not be given medicines.
You also need to find a queue for state water (disinfected with chlorine, of course), state toilet paper and state newspapers that will inform you of what excellent work the government does to keep you in line.
Fortunately for you, the government is already preparing a nationwide network of comfortable camps for anti cooked, in which you can concentrate your efforts in order to help the government, in exchange for food and safety. These are some kind of summer camps, but they will work all year round. Such resort-like “holiday camps” are run by the same Federal Agency, which upholds, in fact, the same standards of comfort as the Hayat hotel! (Editor’s note. And here the hell knows what it is about – either about the fact that in the hotel chain Hayat they actively followed the guests, or about the fact that they are saving on cleaning and furnishing in every possible way. Or maybe just irony. Damn it knows)
Skill # 2: Robbery of retail establishments by desperate consumers
After you finish standing in line, you will find that the government is not at all ready to help you. Then you will have to resort to looting, robbing retail establishments, joining other marauders who have come to the same conclusion.
Unfortunately for you, only the very first marauders will get the loot, and the first marauders will be much more cautious people (gangsters, bullies and the like) who are technically much more informed than you about how quickly society can collapse.
TIP: How to distinguish looting of geniuses from robberies of morons. Geniuses are those who take medicines, and morons are those who steal widescreen televisions.
If you do not immediately begin to rob, it will be too late, and the robbery will lose its meaning. While all the rest will plunder the items of real barter value – tampons, coffee, bottled water and cartridges – you will be stuck in a store full of greeting cards, portable mp3 players and useless iPhones.
Hence the need to refresh your robbery skills in advance. How to achieve this? Buy a hoodie and go to Ferguson, Missouri, and then wait for another riot to begin. (Editor’s note. Speech about the riots in the African-American neighborhoods caused by the cops killing a black teenager during the arrest) As soon as everything starts, run to the nearest pharmacy – to steal at least something! (Be sure to set it on fire as you leave – burning the institutions of a small business is another way to demonstrate how deeply you are committed to socialist justice).
Skill # 3: Unintentional fasting (also known as fasting)
If you are not used to eating nothing, but do not want to store anything, try practicing fasting.
Just for clarity, we’ll clarify the definitions:
“Post” is the term used to refer to deliberate starvation.
“Fasting” is the term used to refer to an unintended fast.
Anti-cooked should be familiar with starvation even before it comprehends them, so that their world perception system will not collapse so hard when starvation begins.
The easiest way to practice this is to just stop eating for a few days and see what happens. (Obviously, you need to drink water, or you will die and become dried meat, see below).
If you find that you don’t like starvation, and that you don’t want to participate in its practice, you can save some food so that you don’t have to starve when things go wrong in society!
Skill # 4: Making jerky with a solar-powered food dehydrator
Damn it, who needs to store food just in case there is so much food around the office?
Yes, cannibalism is the last strategy for storing food for chronically unprepared.
Unfortunately for vegans and clean food lovers, human meat is too polluted with mercury, lead, cadmium and toxic chemicals – mainly due to all sorts of vaccines, toxic personal care products and polluted food. I’m not even sure that human jerky would pass the test for international standards of beef … and yet these standards of verification are not at all strict.
But human meat is “free choice” and “fair trade”, so this is probably a decent choice of food. (Definitely, this is not GMO-free food. Unfortunately, most Americans who are fattened at buffets have increased significantly due to genetically modified corn kernels, which are used to fatten cows).
anti-cooked, you can purchase Excalibur – food dehydrator – right now! With this device you can make sticks of dried human meat that you can exchange for other necessities. If demand drops, you will need a solar-powered food dehydrator, so you should start building it right now. BONUS: If you use solar energy to cook sticks of dried human meat, these will be eco friendly friends!
After everything is prepared, all you need is human flesh. Fortunately, thanks to the American Family Planning Association, this will no longer need to be thought of as “human flesh.” (Editor’s note – this is what the organization’s position on abortion is about, they say, these are just samples of human tissue) Instead you can tell yourself that we are dealing exclusively with tissue samples, which, apparently, have nothing to do with living, breathing people. And since most anti cooked also staunch defenders of mass abortions, they already have such psychological skills as lying to themselves about being “alive or dead” in the first place!
Skill # 5: Play the sacrifice and blame someone else for your own stupidity.
When things go wrong and you are completely unprepared, it is very important to blame someone else.
This skill set has already been shown by Obama supporters, leftists and other ideological experts on being a victim who think they will never be to blame for anything. (… In fact, this is every professor at any university for the humanities).
When everything is covered and you have no food, no water, no Internet, no silver coins, no cash, no medicines, and no idea what generally happens … the obvious answer is to blame the Tea Party! (Editor’s note is an American idiom, denoting a group of frustrated citizens who blindly oppose any legislative endeavors of the government simply because they seem too “left” to them, even if all this is done in their own interests.)
If you can’t blame Tea Party, find some white people who are to blame for something, best of all, heterosexual armed macho. This MUST be their fault, right? They have a WEAPON that everyone shouted around! And they behave like MEN! (This is just to be wrong to some extent, isn’t it?)
Skill number 6: beg the government for salvation
Never underestimate the power of pleading. This is a vital skill for anti cooked, which you need to master for obvious reasons.
Not only must we beg the government for help; it will also be necessary to beg those who are ready to SHARE any products with them, because they have not prepared anything. (Yes, they are incredibly short-sighted and selfish, they did not cope with what they had to rely on).
When everything is covered, here’s how the conversation goes between anti-cooked and really ready:
- Anti-cooked Rick: Hey, Bob, remember, you told me that we should save some food in case something goes wrong?
- Survivor Bob: Yeah, I remember, of course.
- Anti-cooked Rick: Well, hehe, it’s so funny …
- Bob the Survivor: Speak well. I already have a premonition …
- Anti-cooked Rick: Well, I never kept any food, and I wonder if you will not share yours.
- Bob the Survivor: Well, let’s say it more directly. Do you think that when I told you to save food for yourself, I really meant that I was going to save food for you?
- Anti-cooked Rick: No, I just did not store any food. I had no time, you know, a backyard pool …
- Bob Survivor: Well, Rick, I suggest you eat your pool.
- Anti-cooked Rick: Listen, so bad. It is impolite not to share with neighbors.
- Bob the Survivor: I see. So, because I spent money on products that have been stored for a long time, for my family, and not for the pool, do you now think that I owe you a part of my investment in the food that I procured?
- Anti-ready Rick: Well, I didn’t think it would be that way. I did not know that the shelves at the grocery store would be empty.
- Bob the Survivor: Exactly. Actually, I am the one who told you that this will happen, and you chose to buy a swimming pool instead.
- Anti-Ready Rick: Come on, man, I’m starving!
- Survivor Bob: Then eat that grass on the front lawn. This is really good if you have not pollinated it with herbicides.
- Anti-cooked Rick: Well, I didn’t want to bring it to this, but if you don’t share your food, we’ll come and take it from the neighborhood guys.
- Survivor Bob: Well, that’s true, yes? Inside each anti cook Liberal sits screaming totalitarian and waiting for the opportunity to go out. Good luck with that. I hope at least some ammunition you saved.
Skill number 7: Change family heirlooms for food
When you realize that you do not have food, water, or medicine, you can always begin to change family heirlooms.
Gold and silver always have value, and if you are still somehow holding on to the old grandfather’s cowboy rifle, perhaps it still costs more than gold.
One of the important strategies for anti cooked – realize that, as you are probably an unethical enough, selfish, stupid person to do this, you can start selling your family jewels, even if their owners are still alive! Who says that grandmother must die before you give her gold necklace for food, why would? Just tell Grandma that it is “for the good of the cause.”
Skill number 8: Dodge bullets from armed bandits
Shy away from bullets is always useful when you are too stupid to get your weapons and stock up on important things in the run-up to BP. Instead of eating your own food safely, you can enjoy trying to trade, loot, or carry food from others. And, as it turns out, most of these “others” are armed …
That is why it is so important to understand the physics of the cannon, which is explained in Hollywood films. Hiding behind corners will not protect you, because experienced shooters can still get into you by twisting the weapon so that it still shoots, as if it were throwing ping-pong balls – this was proved in the movie “Especially Dangerous”, in which explained the real physics of bullet bending (in fact, the whole film goes on cruel mockery of physics, worse only in Bollywood – ed.)
To dodge these dodging bullets, you need to learn how to run away like moths fly – they, in fact, write out random patterns that frighten predators. To achieve this, study for months for hours until their movements take root in your brain, and then practice walking along the busy sidewalks of New York using the same movements. (You may notice that some people have already started practicing this important skill on vehicles on various roads and highways, mainly around Los Angeles).
Skill number 9: Hiding valuable items in the ass
Do not laugh. This is a very important skill for anti cooked – you need to earn it for the simple reason that you need to quietly move objects to and from safe places in order to acquire (and exchange) vital things.
It is also the most important survival skill when you are robbed, because burglars usually don’t look in the ass (unless they are agents of the Transport Security Administration retired, in which case they like this type of activity).
Being anti-cooked, you are all defenseless against being robbed, because you probably do not have a weapon and you think that a weapon is bad. If a weapon is bad, then realize the pleasure of walking five miles with a bottle of prescribed medication hidden in your ass. (And repeat the trip several times, and hope that the bottle will not break halfway …)
At some point you came to understand the value of high-density metals like gold. Gold has an advantage – it has a very high value even in a very small physical space. In a collapsed society, where hyper-dispersed money costs nothing, and banks are all “on vacation,” the ability to carry a few gold coins with them in a place where hooligans, agents of the Transportation Security Administration and government thugs are unlikely to find it – this is an amazing feeling!
To practice the skill of putting gold in the ass, start with pennies and pennies, then continue with nickel and quarters … and, finally, with a dollar, Susan B. Anthony (Editor’s note is a 2.5 cm coin). Now you are ready to wear a little bit of gold bars!
Of course, you could also decide how to avoid it all – just by buying some gold and silver right now, along with a firearm, to protect it, but anti cooked don’t want to mess with such ideas … especially when skills anti-readiness for the chronically anti-cooking so fun to practice with friends! (What a funny magic trick for your drinking companions – to chew and swallow a dollar bill, and then retrieve it in the same condition! They will be shocked!)
Skill number 10: suck and sell your body for food
Although you might think that such a subtle topic should not be discussed, this is an amazing fact of the world economy – suction is a universal barter product! If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone from people who were in federal prison, in a war zone or in the Hollywood film industry.
Suction skills are very important for the unprepared, because this is the last desperate element of barter – it is easy to move, it cannot be stolen from you. Be sure to grease your lips with a balm to soothe them and prevent rubbing from the operation of the food supply of the whole family. Willingness is hard work! And it is even harder when you try to prepare AFTER the BP, when food is worth a fortune and so many starving people are ready to suck for important things.
Pay attention to the nuance: if you do not want to suck for food, then SEE ALREADY THE FIGURE FOR ANYTHING FOOD, and you will not have to “earn” it by the hard way.
Readiness skills are much easier to master than skills. anti-readiness. In all seriousness, I hope that this sharp satirical article has made you understand something important: it is much easier to turn out readiness skills and save food BEFORE everything is covered, and you have to earn, steal, or trade in order to get important things through the hard way.
It turns out that readiness skills are much easier to master than unavailability skills!
As survivors, we know very well such things as understanding how to disinfect and filter polluted water sources, how to disassemble a firearm, how to grow food on your own. At the same time, we are probably very bad at how we can rob stores, hide things in the ass, or suck as barter. Or at least I hope that you are not very good at it!
The choice is yours. You can either become an expert in readiness skills, or you can learn the skills of unpreparedness when disaster strikes. Believe my words: it will be better to prepare in an easy way, and not a hard one. Either lift your ass now, in other words, or you will learn how to use it for smuggling, then, one day.
Source – Anti-prepping 101: outrageous satire
If you have a feeling – “What the nonsense I just read, your mother?” – everything is fine. This is exactly how all our articles about survival are perceived by most of the “anti-ready”. And nothing can be done about it. Just pass by and do not argue with them, and when the time comes – gently close the door of the bunker, turn on the local radio and enjoy the general panic, among which only YOU will be ready for trouble.
Anti-Preparedness: Top 10 Skills &# 171; unavailability&# 187; recommended for use in the case of BP